Here is something that I have been learning lately. I have a hard time fully accepting grace. There are things that I have read and heard about how God loves me so much and how he looks at me with as his son who he very proud of. I just have a hard time fully accepting this at times. It is not that I don't accept God's love at all, because in my head "I know" he loves me. It is like this. I know that the Aurora Borealis is beautiful but I have really experience it? I have not seen it with my own eyes, heard the silence in the Arctic as the the colors dance in the sky or felt cold on my face as I was amazed by it. You see there is a difference between knowing the beauty of something like the Aurora Borealis and fully taking in the varied aspects of its beauty.
Don't misunderstand. I believe God loves me. He has shown me over and over again. So, that fact that he loves me is not really in question, but somewhere Satan has done a good job deceiving me, so that it has become hard to experience this in my heart. It is crazy because I know his love to be true, I have taught his love to be true and have seen others receive the benefits of his love. But still, trying take it in to where I know that neither my good deeds or my bad deeds change his love for me has been difficult. I am so used to being evaluated and/or 'loved' (by myself and others) based on my abilities or lack there of.
So, this is my prayer to God today. God, I know that you love me. You have shown it over and over again through you what you have done for me. So, help to the feel and know your love more deeply and to take it in completely. I want to receive your love like the ground receives the rain. I want know how high, how wide and how deep is the love that you have for me. Let your love rain fall on this barren land. In Jesus name, amen.